Beware the Cookie

Ah, the warm months! A beautiful time of year. In April the flowers bloom bringing beauty and fragrance to the earth. In May we get nasty blizzards that kill all of the flowers leaving the land desolate. Then in Summer we can go swimming.

On a brighter note there is a lovely thing that happens around this time of year. Many pre-teen girls set out on financial endeavors to earn money to be able to attend camps in the summertime. Camps that will help them to stop singing the wrong words to Kumbaya and teach them the perfect balance between chocolate, graham crackers, and a slightly melted to completely scorched marshmallow.

The only thing that bothers me about these camps is that there is a badge for 12th year attendance. When does it cross the line from being a young girl scout to an old weirdo scout?

Over the years I have tried to help these adolescents in their journey. I have been responsible for the purchase and consumption of hundreds of boxes of cookies. Some may say it is gluttony, but I call it philanthropy.

Although I am always satisfied by the product, it has come to my attention that the girl scouts might be misleading me a little bit.

First off, I keep eating the thin mints and I keep getting fatter. To compensate for this I eat more thin mints. It never works. I wonder if I need to find fat mints. After all I might have a thyroid that works the opposite of most peoples.

Another thing you need to watch out for are Do-si-dos. Swinging around a cookie while wearing cowboy boots is a good way to end up in traction. I know, from experience.

There is a d-e-licious chocolate peanut butter cookie, but the name is a little misleading. It's called a tagalong. How can they do that? I was told for many years by all of my older brothers that everyone hates a tagalong, but this cannot be true. For I love them. I love them dearly.

Tongans don't like Samoas.

The girl scout are great. You need to help them by buying the cookies. Seriously, because a girl I recently purchased from said that if she didn't sell enough cookies they were going to duct tape her to the wall and hit ping pong balls at her forehead with wiffle ball bats. The next girl scout I bought from validated the story, but then put my worries to rest by telling me that it helps the other girls get their hazing merit badge (apparently an important one if you want to ever advance past brownie).

So I say, keep the thin mints coming and let the Tagalongs follow me anywhere, because honestly, it's for the children. Or the creepy women who keep going to these camps for twelve years.

My Glorious Return to the Blog

So I know it's been since March since I last posted, but on the bright side I've pretty much finished one book and have made some good headway on another. I would just like to take a moment to warn you guys about something. Dora.

My daughters are obsessed with a this young Latina girl that runs around with a monkey. Being the caring parent that I am, I try to watch television with them to make sure that it is not teaching them garbage.

There are kids shows I don't mind them watching. I must admit I am a little partial to The Wiggles. There is just something about dudes with accents that do a lot of lip syncing. I guess it just reminds me of The Police. "Here's Greg, Anthony, Murray and the new Wiggle... Sting!"

I will admit that I am a little alarmed by what Dora happens to be teaching my daughters. First of all, the little lazy fart can't do anything by herself. She needs help to look into her own backpack.

Secondly, the repetitive songs - I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. - inspire the opposite of creativity.

Third, When is she going to find her parents?

And let's not overlook the villain of the show. Is it just me or is Swiper the Fox the only character that doesn't speak a lick of Spanish? He has a some sort of Brooklyn accent and runs around in a mask. And most of all he's dumb. He never steals things and sells them on the black market like a good thief. He just throws them around and lazy old Dora asks my daughters to find it.

These were my only qualms with the show until recently it came to my attention the crazy parallels Dora has with a narcotraficante I met in Ecuador. He too was always running through the jungle and over mountains. He was always trying to get away from people who were trying to swipe his stuff. And worst of all he always wore the same clothes. Coincidence? I think not.

Dora is a drug runner!

Dora also has a split personality. I hear there is a series in the work with Showtime to chronicle what she does after she finds what she's looking for. It's called Dora the Enforcer.

Here's a quick preview.

Dora: I delivered the goods to you as promised, but we haven't received our plata (plata is Spanish for silver and slang for money).
Person: (Shaking) I told you I'd get you your money. I just need a little more tiempo.
Dora: (Looks to television audience) Which finger do we break when we don't get our money? (Looks blankly into camera, blinks twice) The left pinkie, that's right!

Later on in the episode
Dora: How did the Policia find out where I was hiding.
Snitch: I don't know I swear
Dora: I think it's time you meet my friend.
(Thin black object jumps out of her backpack and starts singing)
Metal object: I'm the crowbar. I'm the crowbar. I'm the crowbar. I'm the crowbar. I'm the crowbar!

Parents, this is a warning to you all. If you want your children to abandon you to seek adventures with clothed animals. If you want them to think New Yorkers are thieves (every time my daughter see Donald Trump she yells "Bad Haircut no swiping, Bad Haircut no swiping, Bad Haircut no swiping). If you want them to become lazy and ask you to find things for them that they can obviously see, by all means turn on Dora.

Obama Tried to Ruin My Blog

You might notice that the Obama video is off my blog. That is because it tried to ruin my blog, but I don't blame Barack. I believe it is just another plot by Liechtenstien. In fact they are trying to take away our taxes too. I feel that Liechtenstein is actually pulling for Hillary. And I have on a very good source that she is a monster. I saw it on the news. I didn't actually hear the whole story. All that I heard was "Hillary is a monster," andI decided that was all I needed to hear so I turned off the news and played some Wii. But for those of you still curious about the Obama video click here for thos of you who want to see a woman being dumb click here or if you would like to see a guy being dumb click here

Poem for a Mancrush

Most of the month of December
Is one I choose not to remember.
Losses and pain in the neck
of Sloan fighting with Giricek.
What can Jazz do to keep there honor?
Leave that to Kevin O'Connor.
He sent Gordon off a packing
To Philly for his game was lacking.
But who should come to take his place,
To get us back in the playoff race?
Here comes Kyle to save the day
With energy on every play.
Sure he sets the ladies heart a flutter
And is so fond of peanut butter, (Go to 3:58 on the video)
But thats not why he is the man
On the court he's Superman.
Spreading d's by hitting shots
And free throws he don't miss a lot.
I think his shooting is so great,
And since he's come look at number 8.
D-Will's eating people lunches
knowing Korver scores in bunches.
Teams now know they can't defend
Just Booze and Deron Williams when
Kyle's out beyond the line
With one shot he'll break your spine (figuratively of course)
Memo has stepped up his game
December he played pretty lame
but now that he has company
that can step back and make the 3
He added more upon his skill
making defenders simply ill.
This poem might sound a little gay,
But it's not meant to be that way.
I just turn into a little spazz
When things aren't going for the Jazz.
But my face has had a great big smile
since we booted Gira and brought in Kyle.

My Take on Politics

So as this election year rolls on we've been blessed to know great things about the people who are going to run our country. Whether they be shaking hands with slumlords, getting their campaign money from dishonest Chinese men, having inappropriate relationships with lobbyists (unconfirmed, but why would you want to hang out with people who just sit in a lobby all day anyway?), or just showing the whole world that you are stupid enough to stay in a race even though you are still getting the tar beat out of you and you have zero chance of being elected (confirmed).
But even better than the great track record everyone has, they somehow have special snacks. Now I know what you're thinking, IF E.T. could make everybody fly, why did he have to cut it so close. Now that is completely off the subject so you need to pay attention.
Special snacks are what the candidates that win give to the candidates that they beat so that they will like them. It's like that special spray in pro soccer. You, know how a guy is writhing in complete agony maybe his shin is shattered or his gall bladder is leaking, the trainer comes out with the special spray and then they can fly.
If you need any help with this let me point out Rudy Guiliani. One minute he says that McCain is not the best candidate, then he loses, and McCain becomes the cure to cooties.
Mitt Romney and McCain have very heated debates. They openly argue and dislike one another. I believe that McCain actually said Romney plays ball like a girl. Romney drops out of the race, McCain drops by with a special snack...BOOM! Romney is backing his best buddy.

Of course this has been happening since the beginning of time. remember when Cain's offering wasn't as good as Abel's. After Abel showed he was the more righteous Cain just... wait Cain killed him, bad example.
Okay, when Brutus decided that Ceaser's time had come he let Ceasar become his running mate... Wait I think that one ended in murder too.
When Bill Belichick's perfect season got upended by the Giants he stayed until the very end and helped Eli Manning carry the trophy... No that's not what happened either.

Well, I'm sure there is some sort of proof of secret snacks outside of politics. When I find it I'll let you know.

And I have problems With My Writing?

It has been a while since my last post. That is a good thing, because when you are working on two books and a screenplay, writer's block shouldn't happen all that often.

I did however come across this gem as I was looking at some haircare products that were mysteriously left on my bathroom counter. If you are having troubles reading what is on the bottle it reads: Provides long-lasting hold and control for less than more expensive brands.

Hmmm. I'm glad they clarified that for me. I guess if I paid less I might assume that it is more expensive than the more expensive brands. I guess it would have been too hard to say for less than the leading brand, or less than the competition, but I guess stating the obvious works just as well.

Following the lead of these fine marketing execs I would recommend some advertising changes for other companies.

Mcdonalds: Try the double cheeseburger, with two times more meat than the regular burger.

Wal-mart: Save on everything always. We also have great deals twenty four hours a day and seven days a week.

Comcast: Try high definition, more defined than low definition.

Almond Joy: Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you'd like some almonds with your chocolate

If anybody reading this blog has any other ideas feel free to share.

Things About Winter

There are certain things about Winter. A spy must remember to pack white Camo instead of green. And that's pretty much all a spy needs to know about winter.

Last night a storm blew in. And when I say blew in I mean it. The wind blew so hard you could have surfed in my toilet.

Of course there are soothing things about winter. Hot Cocoa, kid bowling, roaring fires, Christmas debt, and most of all eggs in toast.

Eggs in toast are a delicacy I've enjoyed since my childhood in the ghettos of Davis County. It consists of a piece of bread. Wheat bread. Then you proceed to cut a circle out in the center of the bread exactly two inches in diameter. That is a one inch radius if that is how you like to swing it. you butter both sides of whats left of your bread and slap into a greased frying pan. Now here is where the magic begins.

After a few moments of toasting the first side you crack a single egg and let it drop in the cylindrical space you so meticulously provided. Sprinkle some seasonings. Allow for the egg to cook on one side then flip.

Continue flipping until the desired yolk consistency is obtained (I like my yolk a little soft and runny). And you will have an egg in a toast.